I know it’s been a super long time since I sat down and created a post for you but guess what…I’m back! It was so important to me to sit down and take the time to write about why I took some time off, where I’ve been, what’s been happening and most importantly talk about the most exciting news that I’ve just been dying to share with you!
So firstly, I wanted to start off by sharing my happiest news I think I’ve ever had – and that is…
That’s right, I’m going to FINALLY be a mummy! You have no idea how long I have waited to say that and I almost can’t believe it’s real even as I’m writing this. This journey has been such a challenging one for me and although I know many other beautiful women have a tougher time getting pregnant, it really did take its toll on me. I found it so physically, emotionally and mentally challenging and even though thankfully I didn’t need any medical interventions, the whole process was still an upsetting, disappointing and heart breaking experience for me to go through.
I think when challenging things happen in our lives it’s easy to feel guilty as there’s always someone that’s experiencing something that’s perhaps more traumatic or upsetting – however, it doesn’t matter how big or small something is, if it’s upsetting, challenging or traumatic for you then you’re still allowed to feel down about it. I think that’s where I was at. I was so upset watching others getting pregnant around me, wishing it was me and filling my life with other ‘noise’ to drown out how heartbroken I was but at the same time knowing full well that things could be a lot worse and therefore feeling guilty for how I felt.
So, let’s go to the beginning. Just over a year ago, Ben suggested that we start trying for a baby. I was so over the moon about it and naively thought that it would happen straight away. I even remember thinking that we were pregnant the first time of having unprotected sex – how wrong could I have been?! I have always wanted to be a mother and in some ways feel as though that’s one of my callings in this lifetime. Ever since I was a little girl it’s what I’ve dreamed of and Ben and I had talked about having kids ever since we started dating (I’m pretty sure it was one of our first conversations). The fact that we were trying for a baby was the most exciting news I had and I was jumping up and down (quite literally) at the thought that soon I was going to be a mummy, swaddling a baby, changing it’s nappy and guiding another human through life.
I was in the most motivated place I had ever been in my life – my work soared, I was working with more beautiful women than ever before, I had so many gorgeous coaching clients, I started a podcast and YouTube channel (two things I’d been too terrified to do before hand) and my relationship & happiness were at a whole new level. I was on cloud nine. I started reading book after book on pregnancy – what workouts were good, how I could prepare my body, what nutrition would support a healthy body in preparation and during pregnancy – I even went back to my studies to research more into hormones, hormone imbalances and periods. Very quickly I learned that out of every cycle, you have one chance to get pregnant and that’s only IF you ovulate. All of a sudden, reality hit me that this is going to be a lot tougher than I first thought.
My cycles started off at around 40 days each with no sign of ovulation, but at least I was getting my period and I was happy about that. In June, we went on our family holiday to France and something switched inside of me. I felt so down about the whole thing and more stressed than ever – 6 months of trying and no light at the end of the tunnel. Meanwhile 2 of my best friends got pregnant and one of Ben’s. I knew in the grand scheme of things that 6 months wasn’t a long time but then my cycles became longer and longer.
The week before my birthday Kai (Our lovely teddy bear of a dog) started following me around the house. My once independent dog was now the biggest mummy boy and wouldn’t leave me alone – even trying to follow me into the shower at one point! Something seemed off, so I took a test. It came back positive! I was so excited and over the moon – what an amazing birthday present! Straight away I went for a walk, made a giant green smoothie and meditated. I wanted to look after my new little baby in the best possible way. On the morning of my birthday I woke up to find I had started my period – it was heavier and more painful than usual but never the less, it was there. Words can not describe how upset and heartbroken I was. I cried the whole day.
My work started to suffer after that point. I was too upset to just move on, so I numbed myself as much as possible by filling my life with so much more. I started teaching more Pilates classes, started a Masters of Nutrition, took on more work with HUG and in general, started heading into a complete burn out. I noticed that I no longer had drive, inspiration or motivation to create content for HUG. When I create content, I make it relatable to what’s going on in my life so that it’s as authentic as possible and I just couldn’t share what was going on. I felt like I was either sharing generic information or brining the mood down with my topics of choice. I made the decision to stop podcasting and YouTube and instead do one blog post a week. Still, the work piled up and it all became too much.
In November, I took two weeks off work. I went home for a week to Dubai and then spent a week in the Seychelles with my family. I decided I didn’t want to even look at my phone and give myself the chance to switch off completely. I still hadn’t had a period since my birthday in August and although I was doing everything I could to get my period back, there was still no sign. I told myself I’d pick up on HUG when I got back but that didn’t happen.
I decided to go privately and get blood tests and scans in case I had PCOS or something else that would potentially explain what was going on. My hormones came back ok but after a scan they told me I had borderline PCOS. I was so upset. I never had irregular periods before going on the contraceptive pill and I couldn’t help but feel this was all my fault. To top it off, after the scan, Ben’s childhood friend came over to announce that his wife was pregnant. At this point I’d given up hope all together and the jealousy that I felt at the beginning of the year was no longer there. I had given in to the fact that I may never get my periods back, that interventions were a huge possibility and therefore all I could be was happy for them. Little did I know at the time of the scan, I was actually in the very early stages of my pregnancy.
Early December, I was still running myself into the ground with work – HUG had completely taken a back seat – I just couldn’t bring myself to write or share what was going on with you and I didn’t have any inspiration to create content. Instead, I taught more Pilates classes and dove head first into this Masters degree I had started. All of a sudden, Kai started following me around the house again – just like he did in August. I couldn’t allow myself to even entertain the thought that I might be pregnant as it was just too hard for me. I was starving, I started eating more but even so, seemed to be losing weight (I lost 2kg in that first week!). I came home after a Pilates class on the 6th December feeling so faint and once again, starving! I went to the toilet and Kai followed me in and sat on the floor staring at me. Speaking out loud to him (because doesn’t everyone talk to their dogs like their human?) I said that I’d take one more test but that will be it. I literally couldn’t believe it when it came back saying ‘pregnant 1-2 weeks’.
10 tests later, all confirming I was pregnant, I still didn’t believe it. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was growing a little baby inside of me and was so terrified that it was somehow a cruel joke. Even though I thought finding out I was pregnant would give me my spark back to get back into HUG, it did the opposite and all I wanted to do was hide and pray that it was true. Even when Ben’s family found out, it still didn’t feel real. My mum and dad were over the moon right from the get go and being the super positive people they are, they tried to reassure me that everything was alright but I still felt so alone and lost. I had no idea what to do. How could I carry on with this work load AND be pregnant at the same time? Should I continue with this masters or not? Why can’t I bring myself to work on HUG when it’s my absolute love?
It took me until my first scan at the beginning of this month to fully allow myself to believe this was happening. I couldn’t let my heart open up fully because of the heartbreak I felt in August. As soon as I saw this little tiny human moving around inside of me, my heart exploded. I have never felt a flood of love, admiration and excitement all in one go before – not like that. And although my work mojo didn’t come back straight away, over the following days, I started to feel more and more like myself. I’ve given into the fact now that you can’t control what happens, but I know that sharing with you and working on HUG is one of the most important things to me. So, I’ve decided to stop my MSc, find other courses that are more manageable with my time, and spend the next 6 months sharing as much as I possibly can with you.
This was one of the loneliest experiences I have ever been through and although it may not be as traumatic as other’s experiences getting pregnant, it did really lead me to a dark place that I struggled to get out of. I am so lucky to have the support of Ben and my parents but I know that’s not the case for so many. It feels so good to sit down and write all of this and I’m so incredibly excited for the next chapter in my life! I can’t wait to see what this pregnancy brings, not only to me but to HUG as well and I’m definitely going to start sharing more of what’s going on in my life as that was one of the reasons I created HUG in the first place. Thank you for being so patient with me and in the meantime and here’s to new beginnings!